Even when it's not funny at the time . . .
I saw a recipe on Facebook that reminded me of something that happened on Christmas Eve 11 years ago. I haven't thought of it since then. I kept a blog back then mostly about life with four boys and homeschooling and just life. Here is a copy of what I wrote that night. I hope it makes you smile. And, if you have younger kids at home, remind yourself that holiday disasters DO get funnier with time!
We spent a wonderful evening at my parents’ house. We had Mom’s ‘traditional’ vegetable soup, mmmmm. We exchanged gifts among the grown-ups. The boys got to open new pj’s and a book. That’s where Andy cried. Poor little guy. Wait until you see what my brother got for all of us!!!!! There are lots of really great books floating around our family right now. Sadly, I left my gifts at my mom’s and I can’t fall asleep browsing through my new books tonight. :::sigh::::
We got home around 10:30. Mike did some mandatory assembling and headed to bed. The boys were wired – for the next 2-3 hours. As I was dragging out the presents, I realized I forgot to buy candy for the stockings. Aha! I thought. To myself. I’ll make the Saltine Toffee I’ve been reading about on the Well Trained Mind boards. Supposedly, it’s idiot-proof and delicious. I get the oven heated, lay out my saltines and discover I have NO butter. We never have NO butter. EVER. I was a bit crazed – my poor deprived kids MUST have candy in their stockings or Christmas will be ruined. (Yes, I am an idiot.) And, two of the older boys were still stalking the house, so I had time to kill while I threatened them with no Christmas. (Yeah, Mom, like that’s going to happen.)
Anyway, I opted to substitute Crisco Butter-flavored shortening. Ummm … those of you who actually cook and bake well are already cracking up, I’m sure. Butter-flavored does not butter make. I’m doing this and it’s approaching 1 am. But, I persist. I cover the crackers with my sugar/butter-flavored goo and stick the tray into the 400 degree oven. Wasn’t long until the smoke detector starts giving me warning sounds. I grab a chair and unplug the detector.
While I”m doing this, the house is filling with smoke (that’s one way to get them to sleep, huh?) … I open the garage door, the front door, and all the windows. It starts clearing out and no one wakes up. Whew (and, yes, I did go check that everyone was breathing). I turn my attention to the pans I’ve been using. It was then I noticed that I’d melted the plastic spoon I was using to stir the sugar and butter-flavor. I’d melted more than 1/2 of the spoon and was now baking it in the oven. (And, yes, you read right – I didn’t notice the spoon getting shorter.) “Gee, thanks Santa. May we have another toxin?” “Sure, son. Have some of this Red Dye #2 soaked in transfat and then fried inside a Twinkie.”
I pull the cookie sheet out and try to scrape the stuff off into the garbage can. It’s not coming off – damn those stinky polymers. Finally, I tossed the whole cookie sheet. And promptly melted the garbage bag, which was about 3/4 full of gooey turkey bits (Mike is cooking a turkey tomorrow.) ::::shudder::::::. 1:30 now and I still have presents to wrap and Santa gifts to go under the tree. But WHY do that, when you can repack your day’s garbage? Ho, ho, ho.
Everything is finally under the tree. The dishes are done. Actually, they were done too well. I had to re-dirty Santa’s cookie plate and milk glass. Poor Andy. I really used to be so much better at this. And it’s only 3:09. Yay me! for not burning down the house. I believe in setting my goals high!
I can’t wait for tomorrow morning, I only wish it were a few more hours away than it actually is. It’s nights like this that make me love writing this blog. I’ve been cracking myself up for the past three hours and no one else is around to share my insanity. Now, I’ve shared. Trust me, this is WAY better than my Christmas newsletter.
Stay tuned for an update on Clark’s …err make that Mike’s… adventure at Victoria’s Secret. Honestly, you’d think by now that we’d have figured out that he cooks/bakes and I shop. It’s just so much better that way.
Merry Christmas to all and to all (finally!) good night.
Posted on Monday, Dec 25, 2006, 02:50 AM (UTC -5)